I still remember it. The shock, the worry, the anger, the tears. It was just too much for me.
Thursday morning started out so wonderfully. My whole heart felt like it was on cloud 9,999. Last night, I was emailed by Felecia Datus, the Special Projects Manager for the Center for Online Evangelism, who was interested in interviewing me on their podcast. I was so thankful God was giving me such a wonderful opportunity to promote my blog ministry. I felt like a bird swooping up through the clouds toward the sun of success.
Then tragedy struck.
Later that Thursday my dad told me the horrific news: My cousin, Kyle, got into a serious car accident and was currently in the Intensive Care Unit.
The happy, swooping bird feeling that I felt just hours before was now shot down by shock, worry, and anger.
I didn’t believe I could ever fly again.
Ever blog again.
Ever enjoy life again.
Mad At God
“God, why?!” I angrily screamed from the depths of my mind and heart. “I’ve been doing this blog ministry for You for 4 months now! And then…You just let all this happen! I DON’T WANT TO DO THE BLOG ANYMORE!!!“
Deep within my heart I felt like God had betrayed me. I was so tempted to just throw my blog ministry away. Just at the moment I was approaching the pinnacle of my blog ministry, my world suddenly shattered.
And in bitter anger, I dumped all the blame on God for allowing my cousin to get into the car accident. I was so mad at God, that Thursday I didn’t even bother to do another blog post as I usually would’ve done. I also skipped my evening devotions that Thursday night.
Sitting In Ashes
The next day was Friday. That early morning around 1:12 am my cousin Kyle passed away in the hospital. When I heard the news, my entire heart, soul, and body felt broken. By this time the flaming fire of anger that I held in my heart against God had been extinguished into cold ashes of grief. I went into my room to do my devotions. I remember just sitting on my bed, staring at my Bible, not knowing what to do. My heart was just so sad, so broken; the only thing that I was able to do before doing me devotions was just pray:
Dear God, I’m just too sad over Kyle’s passing to study Your word. Please just comfort me right now.
Amen
After praying that short, small, simple prayer, I remember a thought came to my mind: Psalm 147. I turned to that chapter, and verse 3 touched my heart so deeply I cried:
He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds. —(Psalm 147:3)
I read that verse over and over again until a sense of healing peace came to my heart. Then, I felt God lead me to read Revelation 21. Verses 4-5 of that chapter also touched my grieving heart:
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”–(Revelation 21:4-5)
As I meditated on those two verses, I felt my heart being filled with God’s peace, joy, hope, and grace.
A Lonely Sabbath
The Sabbath after my cousin Kyle’s passing was a very lonely one. There really wasn’t anyone at church that Sabbath whom I felt comfortable with to talk to and cry with about what had just happened to me and my family that week. I remember walking into church that Sabbath with a thick and heavy block of depression weighing down my whole being.
Potluck was probably the most difficult part.
“Hey, Aleah!” Mr. Jerry* said to me in the potluck line. “How’s the blog going?”
Horrible, I thought grimly.
“Good,” I said.
“That’s good!” Mr. Jerry said with a smile.
Life will never be good, I thought, trying to blink the tears from my eyes.
Later on, one of my friends whom I hadn’t seen at church in awhile, Kelly*, asked me how my week was.
Broken, I thought.
“It was okay,” I said, trying to swallow the sad lump in my throat.
“Are you in college now?” Kelly asked.
“Not really,” I felt too sad to give her my blog card and explain my calling as a digital missionary.
“Are you taking any classes?”
That moment I just shut down and didn’t say anything.
Later that Sabbath, the sadness that I kept covered in my heart was on the verge of exploding. I soon found myself running into the mother’s room restroom, slamming the door shut, and crying.
My mind kept on screaming my cousin’s name over and over again.
KYLE! KYLE! KYLE!
Then a thought cut into my depressed brain:
Revelation 21
I grabbed my Bible out of my black mini backpack and turned to that chapter. And again, verses 4-5 seemed to jump out at my teary eyes:
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.” –(Revelation 21:4-5)
“Thank You Lord for comforting me,” I prayed as I wiped my tears. “Thank You that because I have no one to really talk to at church today, I was able to find deep comfort directly from You!”
God Wants to Comfort You Too!
Through this experience, despite the pain and grief it has personally caused me, I’ve began to now enter a deeper phase of my relationship with God. I’m now learning to find all the comfort I need in Him and His holy word alone–and not just finding it in the mortal words of other people. I mean, it’s like I’m learning to make God my PRIMARY source of comfort!
And dear reader, maybe you’re also going through a personal tragedy. Perhaps, like me, you’ve lost a loved one. Perhaps you’ve lost your job, and you don’t know how you’ll pay the bills and provide food! Or maybe, you’ve been betrayed by a close friend and the loneliness is practically unbearable.
Dear reader, just take it from me. God WANTS to COMFORT YOU! I’ve personally felt Him comforting me through His holy word; is that what you desire today? To personally experience the comfort God desires to give you?
If so, you can just pray the prayer that’s similar to what I prayed below:
Friend, let me assure you that when you simply pray the above prayer, God will lead you to words of comfort and peace from His holy word. Believe me, I’ve experienced it myself first hand! Just trust that He will give you the comfort you need as you face whatever personal tragedy you’re facing right now.
I’d like to conclude this post with another verse that has brought me much comfort during this time of my cousin’s passing. It’s my hope and prayer that you’ll find it comforting as well:
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
(Matthew 11:28)
Amen! Maranatha!
*Names have been changed to protect identity
***[NOTE: I made a blog post tribute in honor of my cousin Kyle. For those who are interested in reading it, please click here]
Aleah, I understand how you feel. When my son died I was in shock. I turned right to God and His promise to guard my heart and my mind though Jesus with peace came . . . upon me. I was and still am amazed by it for indeed it surpasses my understanding. God will bind up your wounds and draw you closer to Him. Many people pull away from God when the pain is too much to bear and again that is where His promises comes in . . . God is close to the broken hearted and will never leave or forsake you. I will pray that He continues to draw you closer to Him during your time of grief.
Hi Deborah Ann!
Thank you so much for praying for me! It’s really been hard for me…but that promise in Romans 8:28 has been one of the biggest encouragements for me (besides the verses I mentioned in this post): “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” [Romans 8:28]
Again, thank you so much for praying for me! May God abundantly bless you and your website!
Your Sister in Christ,
Aleah
I just want to thank you Aleah, for sharing your story. My heart is breaking for what you and your family are going through right now. How well I remember the day we experienced something similar. A phone call around 3am, way back in October of 2001, with the news that our son-in-law had been killed in a car accident. I remember just lying in bad shaking for about an hour in shock and disbelief. I just wanted to be with my daughter who was in Guam on the other side of the sea. And just like you experienced comfort from God’s Word, He did the same for me. Psalm 139 came into my mind, and there are verses there that still bring me to tears, now 18 years later. It says in verses 9 and 10, ” If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.” I heard God telling me that even though I could not be with my girl physically at that moment when she needed me, God was still there leading her and holding her. We left in a few hours for a long plane flight and all the way there I read the book of Job. It helped me realize that God was not the cause of our suffering. He would hold us as we went through trial. I love the verses you shared that helped you, too. How I look forward to an end of pain, death, and suffering. And during the days that followed our own tragedy, I turned often to the 61st chapter of Psalms. “Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heard is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher that i. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah.” verses 1-4. I will be praying these verses for your family as you are grieving right now. That God will be your shelter and cover you with His wings. You have learned a most important lesson. That when earthly friends fail us, God never will. And God is enough. But is still helps to know others care, because God made us that way. So please know that we love you and are lifting you and your family up in prayer. And thank you again for being willing to share your life with us, so we may be encouraged as well. I think God will use your blog to minister to many people. He has a very special plan for your life.
Hi Ms. Sherry!
Thank you so much for the comment! I especially felt encouraged by the verses you shared from Psalms 61. I’ll be sure to look over them for my evening devotions tonight ?.
Thank you so much for all that you do to show the love of God to me and my family–especially during this time of my cousin’s passing. May you and Mr. Ken have a blessed week! ❤